Parenting is no joke. There are things that books could never even warn you about, because then no one would do it (kidding. sort of). Sometimes I hear myself say something and I stop and say a silent thankful prayer that there is no one else around to witness the absurdity. And that there's no hidden cameras around to document the ridiculous antics that come with parenting small kids (like when I tried to dead lift my 5 year old into his bed, which is a top bunk, when he was having a meltdown the other day and wouldn't listen. Let's just say I clearly need to work out more).

I like to keep a journal of all the cute and funny things my kids say, but today I wanted to share a list of the absolutely ridiculous thing that have come out of MY mouth. I think it should be more than clear from this list that I live in a house of boys...since most of these have something to do with "peepees" and poop. Lovely. Enjoy! And special thanks to my bestie Courtney for offering a few hysterical contributions to this list.

Don't eat out of the trashcan.

Don't drink the dog's water.

Get your hands OUT of your pants.

We don't pull our peepees out at the table.

We have to have pants on when people come over.

Can you please PLEASE PLEASE put some poop in the potty?

That was SUCH a good poopoo! I'm SO proud of you!

Toilet paper is not food.

Play-doh is not food.

Rocks are not food.

No. No. No. No. No. NO.

You can't ride the dog.

Is that mud or poop?

Is that water or pee?

Don't drink the bathwater.

We don't put our hands in the toilet.

Don't throw your underwear on the roof!

Don't toot on your brother.

No, knives are not toys!!

Don't put marbles in your underwear.

Sidewalk chalk goes on the concrete, not on your brother.

Did you poopoo today?

Don't lick the shopping cart.

Don't put boogers in your mouth!

Medicine is not candy.

Don't lick the floor.

Stop trying to get the gum off of the bottom of that table!

How did you get poop there?!

You pooped AGAIN?! At least you're regular.

Don't pee in that potted plant!

Don't eat my mascara!

Stop licking your brother.

No, mommies don't have pee bugs, daddies have pee bugs.

Whose shoes are those? Those aren't your shoes, buddy! Where are YOUR shoes?!

Don't sit on your brother.

I'm sure there are millions of other RIDICULOUS things that have come out of our mouths. What are some of your funniest parent quotes? Share them in the comments!